Well, it's been 2 years since I have last written anything...So much for my goal of updating this thing regularly. I'm not sure why I feel the need to make this be the first post I make, but maybe there is someone that can benefit from what has been going on in our lives the past year and a half. So I'll just get right into it...
Infertility is a beast and not one I thought I would have to go through. I prepared myself for the possibility before getting pregnant with Trey, but after getting pregnant with him really quickly I pushed the thought of infertility out of my mind. Then when Trey was about 10 months old, Trav and I started talking about when we would like to have our next one and what kind of spacing we wanted to have between our kids. We thought two years was a good number for us and felt good about it. All of December it was on my mind and I just kept waiting for the full feeling of peace to come to me in regards of when to start trying, I couldn't get it to come. I went to the temple seeking answers about why I felt restless about our timing and just didn't feel right about it, so I changed my question and asked God. "When would you like us to start trying?" and I got my answer before I was out of the temple, "Now." That was not the answer I was expecting but finally when I said okay the peace came. Next came the part about telling Trav what my answer was and hoping that he was okay with it and could calm my nerves because I was freaking out about trying now and the possibility of our kids being so close in age. When I talked to him about it his answer was "I have felt the same way." What an amazing man I married and I'm so grateful for him! So with that answer we started trying for another baby, little did we know the trial we were in for.
Little background...We were blessed with our sweet Trey B. after only two months, I went into that time thinking it would take a little while and to be patient and have faith, so I was shocked with only needing to wait two months. I was so grateful and humbled to think that maybe I wouldn't have to struggle with infertility. Fast forward to 2015...so here came January and Trey wasn't even quite a year old and I thought we were crazy for already trying for another but feeling prompted to do so, so we listened. After three months went by I thought that's fine, it takes an average of 6 months to a year so this is still okay, it's just taking longer then it did with Trey... Then seven months went by and there was still nothing, don't get me wrong there were months my period was a little later then it had been and it was an emotional roller coaster every month on that week waiting to see what would happen. On top of it all, I felt the need for some strange reason that I had to keep all my emotions inside. I couldn't let anyone know the struggle we were going through. I didn't want everyone waiting month after month with us when it already hurt us enough. A part of me thinks though, that if I had let on to what we were going through it would have helped us through it. It gets hard when people start to "jokingly" ask when you are going to have another, saying you better get on it, when inside I'm dying wishing more then anything to have another sweet little miracle on the way, but instead I force myself to laugh it off and say something like Trey is plenty right now. If people know what you are going through they don't ask dumb questions or joke about it and make you want to punch them in the face. It's not something that's easy to talk about or that just comes up in casual conversation, so for as far as letting people know, I'm not sure how to do that step. Maybe I will just start punching people in the face and then let Trav explain why their question was rude? I'll keep pondering a way to tell people...any ideas would be appreciated!
When I started into my eighth month of trying I could just tell that something was wrong with my body this time, something wasn't working like it was suppose to, but with research I decided to wait the year to go to see a doctor for tests. I started keeping track of everything every month, because the last thing I wanted was to go to the doctor in a year and then have to wait another couple months before being able to do anything so they could see what was going on. I made an excel sheet and made columns for everything I thought a doctor could possibly want to know about. I had a column for what day it was, what day in my cycle I was on, when the bleeding started and what it looked like and did during my cycle, ovulation predictor tests-which I wouldn't waste my time on again, a spot for a pregnancy test reading if I took one, etc... So by the time I went to the doctor at a year, I already had 4 months of data to go off. Up to this point the biggest blessing I had received from God was the attitude to get through what was going on. I was able to not dwell and get depressed every month (other than the start of my period). I constantly felt His love and His guidance through all of it. I knew there was a reason He had prompted us to start trying when we did and that He had a plan, I just had to have the faith that His plan could become my plan. It was hard, but I was still able to find joy and happiness every day. I was still able to see the good in life, I have the gospel, an amazing family, an incredible husband, and a sweet little boy to be grateful for every day.
I was so thankful I had kept track when the doctor looked at it and knew right off that he didn't think I had been ovulating for the past year. Everything lined up each month and yet there was no pregnancy. I said great, now where do we go from here? So that month I started keeping track in a whole new way. People tell you not to stress or worry and that it will just happen, and given, I know what a beast stress is on your body and the crazy stuff it can do, but it is so hard not to stress or worry when I have to keep track of my cycle so closely. I went in on January cycle day 21 for my first blood draw to test my progesterone, it came back way low. Yep, I wasn't ovulating. So the dr. put me on 50 mg of Clomid to start for the first month to see if the small dose would jump start my body. For the next month I stressed and worried about what was happening to my body, not to mention I felt like I was going through menopause. The heat flashes were out of control!! Then on day 21 again the next month, I went in for my blood draw, it came back low again. 100 mg was next to try. Here is month trying number 14, this month came back with good results on my progesterone but still not pregnant. We tried the 100 mg again because it got my levels higher. Month 15 I go and get tested again, I'm getting more in the hang of it by this time and can start to not try so stress so much, but only a little bit...I guess for me that is good! Although the tests came back good again, there was still no pregnancy. At this point the Dr. wants to start testing other things just to make sure and narrow down whats happening. So, for month 16 he wants Trav to get tested, which if any man has to do that, I applaud you and am grateful you are willing to do that for the woman in your life! His results came back great, so again, we look to me. I go back in on day 21 and get my blood draw-I am in now way nervous for this part anymore. I think oh! you need 5 vials of blood? Well sure! No problem, this arm tends to work better. They came back good again. For month 17 my Dr. wants me to get a test done where they inject a dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there is a blockage of some kind that is preventing the egg from getting to where it needs to be, it just so happens that I was going to be out of town for the specific days it needs to be done on so I haven't had the chance to experience that one yet...dang it?... This happens to be the month that Trav and I get to take a vacation to Disney World. It was amazing and greatly needed, we needed to just needed to get away from thinking and just be us and have fun! Plus, it's Disney, the happiest place on Earth! Well, we come back from our trip and I go in to get my blood tested. The results came back low again, the Dr.'s plan for next month is to start me on 150 mg. I shake off the disappointment and feeling of going backward by having to work out the dosage again, and go through the next 13 days waiting for the next cycle to start so we can start all over again with a new dose.
During fertility treatments if you don't start your period by cycle day 35, you are suppose to call in and get a prescription for a drug that will make you start your period and keep it on a more regular cycle. My cycle day 35 ended on a Saturday, so I decided to take my pregnancy test on the Friday so when it came back negative I could call the dr.'s office to get the prescription and be ready to take it if I didn't start the next day.
But I got an unexpected blessing from that test, IT. CAME. BACK. POSITIVE! I didn't dare hope that it was true...Trav was at work and luckily I took it during his break and was able to FaceTime him with the surprise. Tears of joy ran down my face for hours afterward followed by many, many thank you prayers. When Trav got home he had me take another test because we were both being really cautious about this. I couldn't even look at the test, I made Trav tell me what it said. It also came back positive!!!
God has His timing and His reasoning for everything. I am beyond grateful that I only had to go through this trial for 18 months, there are others who aren't so lucky and have to endure for longer and my heart aches for you. I am overcome with the blessing that I am carrying now, this sweet little baby is already so loved and longed for by the parents and older brother who kisses my belly regularly. I have learned to trust God more then I ever thought I needed. He knows us and He knows how to comfort us and guide us as how its best for us. His plan isn't always the easiest or the shortest, but it's what we need to grow and to become who He needs us to be. It lets us better understand others and what they are going through when we ourselves go through the same journey.
Little background...We were blessed with our sweet Trey B. after only two months, I went into that time thinking it would take a little while and to be patient and have faith, so I was shocked with only needing to wait two months. I was so grateful and humbled to think that maybe I wouldn't have to struggle with infertility. Fast forward to 2015...so here came January and Trey wasn't even quite a year old and I thought we were crazy for already trying for another but feeling prompted to do so, so we listened. After three months went by I thought that's fine, it takes an average of 6 months to a year so this is still okay, it's just taking longer then it did with Trey... Then seven months went by and there was still nothing, don't get me wrong there were months my period was a little later then it had been and it was an emotional roller coaster every month on that week waiting to see what would happen. On top of it all, I felt the need for some strange reason that I had to keep all my emotions inside. I couldn't let anyone know the struggle we were going through. I didn't want everyone waiting month after month with us when it already hurt us enough. A part of me thinks though, that if I had let on to what we were going through it would have helped us through it. It gets hard when people start to "jokingly" ask when you are going to have another, saying you better get on it, when inside I'm dying wishing more then anything to have another sweet little miracle on the way, but instead I force myself to laugh it off and say something like Trey is plenty right now. If people know what you are going through they don't ask dumb questions or joke about it and make you want to punch them in the face. It's not something that's easy to talk about or that just comes up in casual conversation, so for as far as letting people know, I'm not sure how to do that step. Maybe I will just start punching people in the face and then let Trav explain why their question was rude? I'll keep pondering a way to tell people...any ideas would be appreciated!
When I started into my eighth month of trying I could just tell that something was wrong with my body this time, something wasn't working like it was suppose to, but with research I decided to wait the year to go to see a doctor for tests. I started keeping track of everything every month, because the last thing I wanted was to go to the doctor in a year and then have to wait another couple months before being able to do anything so they could see what was going on. I made an excel sheet and made columns for everything I thought a doctor could possibly want to know about. I had a column for what day it was, what day in my cycle I was on, when the bleeding started and what it looked like and did during my cycle, ovulation predictor tests-which I wouldn't waste my time on again, a spot for a pregnancy test reading if I took one, etc... So by the time I went to the doctor at a year, I already had 4 months of data to go off. Up to this point the biggest blessing I had received from God was the attitude to get through what was going on. I was able to not dwell and get depressed every month (other than the start of my period). I constantly felt His love and His guidance through all of it. I knew there was a reason He had prompted us to start trying when we did and that He had a plan, I just had to have the faith that His plan could become my plan. It was hard, but I was still able to find joy and happiness every day. I was still able to see the good in life, I have the gospel, an amazing family, an incredible husband, and a sweet little boy to be grateful for every day.
I was so thankful I had kept track when the doctor looked at it and knew right off that he didn't think I had been ovulating for the past year. Everything lined up each month and yet there was no pregnancy. I said great, now where do we go from here? So that month I started keeping track in a whole new way. People tell you not to stress or worry and that it will just happen, and given, I know what a beast stress is on your body and the crazy stuff it can do, but it is so hard not to stress or worry when I have to keep track of my cycle so closely. I went in on January cycle day 21 for my first blood draw to test my progesterone, it came back way low. Yep, I wasn't ovulating. So the dr. put me on 50 mg of Clomid to start for the first month to see if the small dose would jump start my body. For the next month I stressed and worried about what was happening to my body, not to mention I felt like I was going through menopause. The heat flashes were out of control!! Then on day 21 again the next month, I went in for my blood draw, it came back low again. 100 mg was next to try. Here is month trying number 14, this month came back with good results on my progesterone but still not pregnant. We tried the 100 mg again because it got my levels higher. Month 15 I go and get tested again, I'm getting more in the hang of it by this time and can start to not try so stress so much, but only a little bit...I guess for me that is good! Although the tests came back good again, there was still no pregnancy. At this point the Dr. wants to start testing other things just to make sure and narrow down whats happening. So, for month 16 he wants Trav to get tested, which if any man has to do that, I applaud you and am grateful you are willing to do that for the woman in your life! His results came back great, so again, we look to me. I go back in on day 21 and get my blood draw-I am in now way nervous for this part anymore. I think oh! you need 5 vials of blood? Well sure! No problem, this arm tends to work better. They came back good again. For month 17 my Dr. wants me to get a test done where they inject a dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there is a blockage of some kind that is preventing the egg from getting to where it needs to be, it just so happens that I was going to be out of town for the specific days it needs to be done on so I haven't had the chance to experience that one yet...dang it?... This happens to be the month that Trav and I get to take a vacation to Disney World. It was amazing and greatly needed, we needed to just needed to get away from thinking and just be us and have fun! Plus, it's Disney, the happiest place on Earth! Well, we come back from our trip and I go in to get my blood tested. The results came back low again, the Dr.'s plan for next month is to start me on 150 mg. I shake off the disappointment and feeling of going backward by having to work out the dosage again, and go through the next 13 days waiting for the next cycle to start so we can start all over again with a new dose.
During fertility treatments if you don't start your period by cycle day 35, you are suppose to call in and get a prescription for a drug that will make you start your period and keep it on a more regular cycle. My cycle day 35 ended on a Saturday, so I decided to take my pregnancy test on the Friday so when it came back negative I could call the dr.'s office to get the prescription and be ready to take it if I didn't start the next day.
But I got an unexpected blessing from that test, IT. CAME. BACK. POSITIVE! I didn't dare hope that it was true...Trav was at work and luckily I took it during his break and was able to FaceTime him with the surprise. Tears of joy ran down my face for hours afterward followed by many, many thank you prayers. When Trav got home he had me take another test because we were both being really cautious about this. I couldn't even look at the test, I made Trav tell me what it said. It also came back positive!!!
God has His timing and His reasoning for everything. I am beyond grateful that I only had to go through this trial for 18 months, there are others who aren't so lucky and have to endure for longer and my heart aches for you. I am overcome with the blessing that I am carrying now, this sweet little baby is already so loved and longed for by the parents and older brother who kisses my belly regularly. I have learned to trust God more then I ever thought I needed. He knows us and He knows how to comfort us and guide us as how its best for us. His plan isn't always the easiest or the shortest, but it's what we need to grow and to become who He needs us to be. It lets us better understand others and what they are going through when we ourselves go through the same journey.
