I want this subject talked about more and I feel like it needs to be. There are so many of us that struggle but I think that in todays world we feel that we need to be "perfect" to all those looking in on our lives. Whatever it means to you to be perfect, I feel like we put up this wall that only lets people see the positive things that are happening in our lives. To me, it's not the positive things that we need help with to get through, it's all the mountains we climb that we need help from those around us to get up and over the top. I can say this because for many months I was one struggling but I didn't want anyone other then my husband to know that not all was right in my world. I am usually a positive, happy person and luckily for me, this comes easily and naturally to be happy. There was a time in my life this past year when it took a lot for me to not let my fears and other crazy hormones rule my life and I'll get into that in probably too much detail later on in this post. I am writing this post not to want anyone to feel bad for me or for the attention to be on me, but for the attention to be on postpartum depression and the havoc it can cause. I want women to know that they are stronger then they think and that they are wonderful, intelligent, not alone in this trial, and that going through something like this does not make you any less of an amazing person. This is my journey with it and it may be similar in some ways to what others have experienced and it will have some things specific to me. So with that said...here goes a long post that if you make it through to the end I'll give you a virtual high five and a slap on the butt.
I have previously written about my struggle with infertility and I was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Then when I was about 8 weeks along my world, and those involved in this story, got rocked and thrown off its axis. At 8 weeks along in my pregnancy my immediately family and I learned that our adorable little nephew had been diagnosed with a fatal disease that would take his life before reaching one year old. The disease is Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) and it is a rare disease as it takes two recessive genes to be active. The crazy thing with hearing this is that it's not the first time is has happened in our family as another of Travis's sisters also had a child with it. Knowing that this is the second occurrence in just our family of an inherited disease really started to fuel all that comes later in this post. I didn't realize it at the time but since talking out my feelings with a few close friends and my family, I've come to understand better what was going on in my mind subconsciously at this time and have learned how to work through it.
It became more apparent that the genes ran in my husbands family and I started to have all consuming thoughts about the "what if's" for me and this new little baby growing inside of me. I didn't realize how it was making me disconnect from connecting with the baby inside of me. Looking back I've come to see how it has all played together but lucky for you guys I'll give you the play by play as it was happening and as Maui would say You're welcome!
I think in my mind I thought that if I didn't come to love this child and didn't connect with it, then I would be saved the pain of possibly having this child taken from me. If I didn't care at all then maybe, just maybe I would be able to get through it. If I could go back in time right here I would slap the back of my past self's head and hopefully knock some sense into me that that was not the way to get through this trial. They have a genetic test that you can do to see if you are a carrier or not for the SMA gene. I stewed and stewed for months over whether or not to get it. I was thinking that what if it came back and was positive? How would I make it through knowing my child wouldn't get to see a year old? These thoughts and others ran through my head every day and I tried to push them to the back of my mind hoping that if I didn't think about them, then I wouldn't stress over them. Its obvious now to me that it hurt me more to do that and that like it or not, the stress and nerves got to me.
At 16 weeks we went in to get an early ultrasound test to find out the gender of the sweet little nugget. Its a girl! I went through all the motions of being as excited as I could be and feeling like I was excited and getting girl things to prepare for Amelia. Now fast forward to about 26 weeks. If you are keeping track, that is 18 weeks of worry and anxiety that have built up. It was around this time that my sweet little perfect nephew passed away. I watched his whole life in 5 months and then to see him pass triggered something else entirely in my brain that I am still working through and Amelia is 8 months now. I started to not function as well and kind of just shut down emotionally.
Around the first of December was the breaking point I think for me. I remember being in my closet and having no control of the tears that were coming, it was down right unpretty tears all around. I remember being on my knees praying for comfort and praying for strength. I knew that something had flipped inside of me and I needed help. I then distinctly remember hearing a voice inside my head and the only question it asked was "Why do you fear?" and me being the grown up that I am answered with my best possible answer..."Because...because I just am!" Yep, I know pretty grown up right? I felt more like my three year old. That question stayed with me for days as I pondered the guidance that my Heavenly Father had given me. It caused me to look at everything I believed in again. Yes, I know that families are forever and I know that no matter what happens to this child, that I would be with them again. That I would get to love them forever. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I COULD GET THROUGH THIS. It would be hard and it would painful, but I would get through it because through Christ's help I can be healed. But if I got right down to my feelings...I didn't want to have to go through this. I didn't want to have to learn how to overcome losing a child. I didn't want to need his help in this way. But I tried and tried to keep perspective as hard as it was for the next couple weeks and I prayed hard every day for the courage to face the possibility that I might lose this perfect baby girl.
Around the second week of December I was driving back down to Utah to with my mom and starting talking about all these thoughts going on in my head. Then it was as if she did slap me on the back of the head in her most motherly lovingly way. All she said was "well, why don't you get tested?" She said it and all I could think was well duh. And that was that. All the fears about being tested left and I just wanted to know, I HAD to know. I called the testing center the next day and set up and appointment for the next week. I went in and she walked me through all the genetic markers they look for in the blood sample and then I walked to the lab and they drew my blood and Travis and I drove home with anticipation, but without the worry. For the first time in months, I wasn't afraid. I was anxious as could be, but the fear had eased. We waited all through the holidays for those results to come back, trying not to think about them all Christmas long. Then on January 5 I got the email, I remember this date because I kept going back to read those results over and over to make sure I was reading them correctly. My SMA test came back NEGATIVE for being a carrier! I couldn't hold back the tears that came. I knew that as long as I wasn't a carrier for SMA, then even if Travis was, there was no way for our children to get this. It was also interesting to find out that not only did I have both sets of the gene I needed, I also had an extra one.I was extra safe. I think I cried for days. I wish that this is where everything turned and I can say that from then on I was fine...I wasn't and didn't recognize it until 5 weeks postpartum.
This is a part of my daughters life that I won't get back and I have regrets about it at times. Not being able to really remember what she was like as a newborn. I was in a haze, just get through it kind of attitude. I now know the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression and it will not take me 6 weeks to get help again. There are thoughts and moments I'm not proud of but I promised to keep this post real...so here ya go!
My labor was so fast, and I wasn't mentally ready for the birth to begin with. I was so disconnected from it all I couldn't process that this child was actually coming. I had 3 hrs to come to grips with it and it wasn't long enough. I remember that my first thought after she was born was "wait, it's a girl?" followed by a close "I want her cleaned to get all the white crap and blood off." I wish with all my might that my first thoughts had been how beautiful my child was, how this perfect little girl had just come from heaven, how this was my daughter and I get her forever. I wish, I wish, I wish these had been some of my thoughts. I was so surrounded by family and friends the first few weeks that I didn't realize how distant I was from her. I knew she was beautiful, sweet, and I was so proud she was mine. I cared for her like I knew I should. Then it was just Trey, Amelia, and myself left at home and it fully started to sink in that something wasn't right. I didn't have that connection that I instantly had with Trey. I felt an obligation to care for this baby so that's what I was doing. But let's get real...I would get up at night and feed a baby I felt no mother connection too, who was colic, and I would just sit and cry every night struggling to get this crying baby to calm down and sleep. I was angry all the time and spent most of my energy keeping it buried as far down as I could because I wasn't sure how it would come out. I loved my sweet child, but the connection felt distant, like the connection I have for my nieces or my best friends child, not the connection I wanted and needed to feel for my perfectly, sweet baby girl. I struggled with these thoughts for awhile before I think I realized what was missing and even longer to realize that the things I was feeling were separate problems that I needed to work through and figure out.
I started to really work on building a connection with her. It was strange to have to work on it, where I didn't with Trey, but I knew that I had to start somewhere. I had Travis take Trey on special daddy-son dates so I could have alone time with Amelia. I would just sit and stare at her and tell myself over and over-She is alive, she is here, she is yours, she is perfect. It was weird to have to tell myself this because it should seem obvious that she is mine, I birthed her and saw this perfect little baby girl come out of me! But man, it was process to let my mind believe it. I slowly felt the shift starting to happen around week 4 PP. I start to feel myself letting go of all this anxiety and fear I had of losing her and started to fully let her into my heart. Then at 6 weeks old she smiled at me! This child was alive and she was still here and she could smile at me. She knew I was her mother and she loved me. This started to change everything. I don't know how just a smile could change something that deeply embedded in my mind and heart but it did! I finally started to connect with my daughter as a mother should connect to her child. I finally stopped being surprised at knowing she was a girl every time I went to change her diaper. It was also about this time with my dr. follow up that I also realized the anger needed to change. I talked to the doctor and we started me on a prescription to help me start to get those crazy hormones in check.
It was a very long and hard year. I am doing so much better! I got the help I needed and I found those close friends and family members to talk through the things I needed to and a lot of what I'm writing is because of their influence in my life. They gave me the support and strength I needed to lean on until I found my own. I had an amazing husband that gave me the space to figure things out when I needed to and then was there to lift me up and talk to when I needed it. I have never struggled with something so mentally draining and confusing before and it has given me insights to myself that have added to who I am. I feel stronger then I did having gone through something like this. I have had to look inside myself and meditate more then I ever have because I needed time to reflect and figure out how to gain something I so desperately wanted and needed. I have had to talk about my feelings ha! I am not good at this-just ask Travis. I had to learn how to articulate something going on in the deepest parts of me because it was the only way I could work through it. I prayed harder and longer and more intense then I have the past 2 years. Coming from wanting a child so badly and not getting her to praying with everything I had that I could let go of the fear and the anxiety holding me back from this perfect little spirit I had been blessed with!
I hope this post lets someone know that they aren't alone, that help comes, and whatever you are going through-you are strong enough, brave enough, and amazing enough to get through it! It doesn't make you any less of a person for having struggles like postpartum depression and anxieties. Don't be afraid to get the help you need and deserve. You brought a miracle into this world! Don't forget to take care of yourself as well.
Here is your slap to the butt for making it all the way through! :)
Love-
Shay
