I want this subject talked about more and I feel like it needs to be. There are so many of us that struggle but I think that in todays world we feel that we need to be "perfect" to all those looking in on our lives. Whatever it means to you to be perfect, I feel like we put up this wall that only lets people see the positive things that are happening in our lives. To me, it's not the positive things that we need help with to get through, it's all the mountains we climb that we need help from those around us to get up and over the top. I can say this because for many months I was one struggling but I didn't want anyone other then my husband to know that not all was right in my world. I am usually a positive, happy person and luckily for me, this comes easily and naturally to be happy. There was a time in my life this past year when it took a lot for me to not let my fears and other crazy hormones rule my life and I'll get into that in probably too much detail later on in this post. I am writing this post not to want anyone to feel bad for me or for the attention to be on me, but for the attention to be on postpartum depression and the havoc it can cause. I want women to know that they are stronger then they think and that they are wonderful, intelligent, not alone in this trial, and that going through something like this does not make you any less of an amazing person. This is my journey with it and it may be similar in some ways to what others have experienced and it will have some things specific to me. So with that said...here goes a long post that if you make it through to the end I'll give you a virtual high five and a slap on the butt.
I have previously written about my struggle with infertility and I was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Then when I was about 8 weeks along my world, and those involved in this story, got rocked and thrown off its axis. At 8 weeks along in my pregnancy my immediately family and I learned that our adorable little nephew had been diagnosed with a fatal disease that would take his life before reaching one year old. The disease is Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) and it is a rare disease as it takes two recessive genes to be active. The crazy thing with hearing this is that it's not the first time is has happened in our family as another of Travis's sisters also had a child with it. Knowing that this is the second occurrence in just our family of an inherited disease really started to fuel all that comes later in this post. I didn't realize it at the time but since talking out my feelings with a few close friends and my family, I've come to understand better what was going on in my mind subconsciously at this time and have learned how to work through it.
It became more apparent that the genes ran in my husbands family and I started to have all consuming thoughts about the "what if's" for me and this new little baby growing inside of me. I didn't realize how it was making me disconnect from connecting with the baby inside of me. Looking back I've come to see how it has all played together but lucky for you guys I'll give you the play by play as it was happening and as Maui would say You're welcome!
I think in my mind I thought that if I didn't come to love this child and didn't connect with it, then I would be saved the pain of possibly having this child taken from me. If I didn't care at all then maybe, just maybe I would be able to get through it. If I could go back in time right here I would slap the back of my past self's head and hopefully knock some sense into me that that was not the way to get through this trial. They have a genetic test that you can do to see if you are a carrier or not for the SMA gene. I stewed and stewed for months over whether or not to get it. I was thinking that what if it came back and was positive? How would I make it through knowing my child wouldn't get to see a year old? These thoughts and others ran through my head every day and I tried to push them to the back of my mind hoping that if I didn't think about them, then I wouldn't stress over them. Its obvious now to me that it hurt me more to do that and that like it or not, the stress and nerves got to me.
At 16 weeks we went in to get an early ultrasound test to find out the gender of the sweet little nugget. Its a girl! I went through all the motions of being as excited as I could be and feeling like I was excited and getting girl things to prepare for Amelia. Now fast forward to about 26 weeks. If you are keeping track, that is 18 weeks of worry and anxiety that have built up. It was around this time that my sweet little perfect nephew passed away. I watched his whole life in 5 months and then to see him pass triggered something else entirely in my brain that I am still working through and Amelia is 8 months now. I started to not function as well and kind of just shut down emotionally.
Around the first of December was the breaking point I think for me. I remember being in my closet and having no control of the tears that were coming, it was down right unpretty tears all around. I remember being on my knees praying for comfort and praying for strength. I knew that something had flipped inside of me and I needed help. I then distinctly remember hearing a voice inside my head and the only question it asked was "Why do you fear?" and me being the grown up that I am answered with my best possible answer..."Because...because I just am!" Yep, I know pretty grown up right? I felt more like my three year old. That question stayed with me for days as I pondered the guidance that my Heavenly Father had given me. It caused me to look at everything I believed in again. Yes, I know that families are forever and I know that no matter what happens to this child, that I would be with them again. That I would get to love them forever. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I COULD GET THROUGH THIS. It would be hard and it would painful, but I would get through it because through Christ's help I can be healed. But if I got right down to my feelings...I didn't want to have to go through this. I didn't want to have to learn how to overcome losing a child. I didn't want to need his help in this way. But I tried and tried to keep perspective as hard as it was for the next couple weeks and I prayed hard every day for the courage to face the possibility that I might lose this perfect baby girl.
Around the second week of December I was driving back down to Utah to with my mom and starting talking about all these thoughts going on in my head. Then it was as if she did slap me on the back of the head in her most motherly lovingly way. All she said was "well, why don't you get tested?" She said it and all I could think was well duh. And that was that. All the fears about being tested left and I just wanted to know, I HAD to know. I called the testing center the next day and set up and appointment for the next week. I went in and she walked me through all the genetic markers they look for in the blood sample and then I walked to the lab and they drew my blood and Travis and I drove home with anticipation, but without the worry. For the first time in months, I wasn't afraid. I was anxious as could be, but the fear had eased. We waited all through the holidays for those results to come back, trying not to think about them all Christmas long. Then on January 5 I got the email, I remember this date because I kept going back to read those results over and over to make sure I was reading them correctly. My SMA test came back NEGATIVE for being a carrier! I couldn't hold back the tears that came. I knew that as long as I wasn't a carrier for SMA, then even if Travis was, there was no way for our children to get this. It was also interesting to find out that not only did I have both sets of the gene I needed, I also had an extra one.I was extra safe. I think I cried for days. I wish that this is where everything turned and I can say that from then on I was fine...I wasn't and didn't recognize it until 5 weeks postpartum.
This is a part of my daughters life that I won't get back and I have regrets about it at times. Not being able to really remember what she was like as a newborn. I was in a haze, just get through it kind of attitude. I now know the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression and it will not take me 6 weeks to get help again. There are thoughts and moments I'm not proud of but I promised to keep this post real...so here ya go!
My labor was so fast, and I wasn't mentally ready for the birth to begin with. I was so disconnected from it all I couldn't process that this child was actually coming. I had 3 hrs to come to grips with it and it wasn't long enough. I remember that my first thought after she was born was "wait, it's a girl?" followed by a close "I want her cleaned to get all the white crap and blood off." I wish with all my might that my first thoughts had been how beautiful my child was, how this perfect little girl had just come from heaven, how this was my daughter and I get her forever. I wish, I wish, I wish these had been some of my thoughts. I was so surrounded by family and friends the first few weeks that I didn't realize how distant I was from her. I knew she was beautiful, sweet, and I was so proud she was mine. I cared for her like I knew I should. Then it was just Trey, Amelia, and myself left at home and it fully started to sink in that something wasn't right. I didn't have that connection that I instantly had with Trey. I felt an obligation to care for this baby so that's what I was doing. But let's get real...I would get up at night and feed a baby I felt no mother connection too, who was colic, and I would just sit and cry every night struggling to get this crying baby to calm down and sleep. I was angry all the time and spent most of my energy keeping it buried as far down as I could because I wasn't sure how it would come out. I loved my sweet child, but the connection felt distant, like the connection I have for my nieces or my best friends child, not the connection I wanted and needed to feel for my perfectly, sweet baby girl. I struggled with these thoughts for awhile before I think I realized what was missing and even longer to realize that the things I was feeling were separate problems that I needed to work through and figure out.
I started to really work on building a connection with her. It was strange to have to work on it, where I didn't with Trey, but I knew that I had to start somewhere. I had Travis take Trey on special daddy-son dates so I could have alone time with Amelia. I would just sit and stare at her and tell myself over and over-She is alive, she is here, she is yours, she is perfect. It was weird to have to tell myself this because it should seem obvious that she is mine, I birthed her and saw this perfect little baby girl come out of me! But man, it was process to let my mind believe it. I slowly felt the shift starting to happen around week 4 PP. I start to feel myself letting go of all this anxiety and fear I had of losing her and started to fully let her into my heart. Then at 6 weeks old she smiled at me! This child was alive and she was still here and she could smile at me. She knew I was her mother and she loved me. This started to change everything. I don't know how just a smile could change something that deeply embedded in my mind and heart but it did! I finally started to connect with my daughter as a mother should connect to her child. I finally stopped being surprised at knowing she was a girl every time I went to change her diaper. It was also about this time with my dr. follow up that I also realized the anger needed to change. I talked to the doctor and we started me on a prescription to help me start to get those crazy hormones in check.
It was a very long and hard year. I am doing so much better! I got the help I needed and I found those close friends and family members to talk through the things I needed to and a lot of what I'm writing is because of their influence in my life. They gave me the support and strength I needed to lean on until I found my own. I had an amazing husband that gave me the space to figure things out when I needed to and then was there to lift me up and talk to when I needed it. I have never struggled with something so mentally draining and confusing before and it has given me insights to myself that have added to who I am. I feel stronger then I did having gone through something like this. I have had to look inside myself and meditate more then I ever have because I needed time to reflect and figure out how to gain something I so desperately wanted and needed. I have had to talk about my feelings ha! I am not good at this-just ask Travis. I had to learn how to articulate something going on in the deepest parts of me because it was the only way I could work through it. I prayed harder and longer and more intense then I have the past 2 years. Coming from wanting a child so badly and not getting her to praying with everything I had that I could let go of the fear and the anxiety holding me back from this perfect little spirit I had been blessed with!
I hope this post lets someone know that they aren't alone, that help comes, and whatever you are going through-you are strong enough, brave enough, and amazing enough to get through it! It doesn't make you any less of a person for having struggles like postpartum depression and anxieties. Don't be afraid to get the help you need and deserve. You brought a miracle into this world! Don't forget to take care of yourself as well.
Here is your slap to the butt for making it all the way through! :)
Love-
Shay
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Friday, August 4, 2017
Amelia's Birth Story
This wonderful story begins a week and a half before her due date of February 26. I went in for my 38 week appointment and this sweet little girl was still doing amazing. She was head down and she was ready to come. We set my induction date for Feb. 21. I wanted the 19th so I could win the bet we had going on in my family as to when she would come, but my dr. would have been out of town. I guess you win some you lose some #illwinnexttime We also decided at that appointment to strip my membranes and see if that would get this little girl here sooner...Ouch. We left the appointment not thinking that it worked but excited for Tuesday!
The next day, Friday the 17th, we had an evening with a general authority for Travis's job. Before going, I had contractions that had started but they weren't painful just getting regular at about 15-20 minutes apart. (I should mention here that having contractions was something I was the most nervous for with this pregnancy. With Trey I didn't have contractions outside of the hospital because I had to be induced when my water broke and no contractions started.) So I went through the whole night nervous but waiting for the magic number of 5 minutes apart and painful enough that I couldn't move. It didn't happen that night. The next morning when I woke up, Saturday February 18, I had my first contraction that put me on my knees and they didn't let up at all but they were 20-30 minutes apart so I didn't think I was even getting close. At about 4 o'clock pm Travis's mother stopped by the house to see how we were doing and to see if we wanted her to take Trey for the day so I could just focus on the contractions and then bring him back that night. We sent her with the diaper bag and off they went. Thank goodness for promptings!! When Travis came back into the house and saw me doubled over, he suggested going to the hospital just to see. Either they send us back home or they check us in, but we will know where you are at. I should add here that the thought of going to get checked and me thinking I was getting far along and them telling me that I wasn't even dilated was cause for embarrassment, for some reason I think I have to be tough all the time. I did not want to go to the hospital until I was sure I would be checked in but I caved and we packed up the car, grabbed the carseat and some last minute items and off we went. We got to the hospital at about 5 pm where they checked me and said I was only at 3 but where they contractions were strong enough that they would keep us for the hour and then check again to see if I was progressing and then either check us in or send us home. I was having back labor and the nurse became my most favorite person when she showed Travis how to push on my knees to get rid of the pressure! This was amazing and I was wondering where this move had been all morning!! That was an amazing trick and saved me for the next hour. When Sadey, my nurse, came back into check on me at 6:00 she said I was at a 5 and they would go ahead and check me in and let the Dr. know I was here and getting close and also to let the anesthesiologist know that I wanted an epidural and I was ready for to get it.
At this point the contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and they started trying to get my IV in. I have the worse veins and warned them but we tried it, 6 times...All the spots they tried just kept collapsing so just like I had to do with Trey, the IV went in my elbow pit and yes that's a technical name for it...or not but you all know where I'm referring to. They (the three nurses there trying to will my veins into responding) got it in (yes, for the next child I will just be having them stick it there to begin with because I'd rather not get poked in 6 different spots again, I figure twice is enough!), then checked me again at about 6:45 and Sadey said the anesthesiologist had gotten off an hour ago but he lived close and they had let him know I was ready...man I was ready the minute I walked in the hospital...but who's counting right? Then Sadey looked at Travis and asked to show him the snack bar in case he needed it...You're kidding right?! Who is going to push on my knees if you guys leave the room?!?! These were the thoughts going through my head as Travis glanced at me on their way out of the room. Come to find out later, Sadey had taken Travis out to tell him I was almost at an 8 and I may not be able to get an epidural so he needed to go in there prepared to help me through a natural birth. Say what?!? So he comes back in and then promptly goes to the bathroom to say a prayer that I would be able to get my epidural. It was about this time that my water broke and that really made the contractions close together. I was still thinking I was at maybe a 6 because I hadn't heard what I was and I kept thinking I had to be tough and make it through because I couldn't let them know I hurt, people went the whole time without medicine I could do it now... right!? It was also about now that I realized I should have practiced my breathing a little more...But thanks to my angel husband I was able to get it down and breath through each contraction that was coming 2 minutes apart now. It was about 7:15 that Sadey came in to say that luckily the anesthesiologist was downstairs and hadn't gone home yet and was grabbing his things and on his way up. He got there and walked in and said "I hear you are at an 8, we better hurry and get this in!"...I felt relief knowing I wasn't a complete baby and so strong for having made it that far without an epidural. I was so much stronger then I thought I was. It took about 15 minutes to get the epidural in with him making sure it was perfect and me having to breath through constant contractions while getting it. I didn't realize until the epidural was kicking in that the extreme pressure I was feeling was little miss getting ready. I didn't realize I was that close. So about 7:45 Dr. Jones came in and checked me and gave the go to get everything ready, I'm ready to start pushing. So at 8 I start pushing and a few pushed later I get to hold a beautiful baby girl in my arms at 8:17. They placed this perfect, amazing, wonderful little girl in my arms! Lets get real for a second...I really wanted them to give you a bath right then because I'm not so much a fan of all the yucky you brought with you...but you were still an absolute angel. I was shaking so bad after I gave birth this time and it made Trav and I nervous but the nurse just said its from the adrenaline and giving birth since I went so long without pain medication. Amelia Kristine, you are a sweet little angel with a big heart. You have a head full of beautiful strawberry hair and blue eyes. I love you sweetheart! All 6 lbs 5 oz and 19 inches of you! Welcome to this beautiful world my sweet little daughter. You have completed our family even more and we could not be happier to have you!
Things to remember:
Things to remember:
- I found out I was pregnant with you on June 24! Happy day!
- I saw you for the first time at 9 weeks
- We found out you were a girl at 16 weeks when we went into Fetal Fotos!
- I was so sick with you the first 16 weeks
- I felt you move for the first time at 14 weeks and your dad felt you at 23 weeks
- My placenta was anterior with you which is one reason it was so hard for your dad to feel you
- I did NOT have gestational diabetes with you! Yahoo girlfriend!!
- I had heart burn from 10 weeks and on. I would get heart burn even eating a salad, but you came out with a ton of hair!
- You have the longest fingers and toes
- You came 8 days early just like your brother. You were actually born on his original due date.
- I gained 15 lbs
- I craved pizza!! All I wanted the first 16 weeks was pepperoni pizza
- Your brother adores you and will not leave you alone and I love that!
Friday, May 19, 2017
Blessings
Well, it's been 2 years since I have last written anything...So much for my goal of updating this thing regularly. I'm not sure why I feel the need to make this be the first post I make, but maybe there is someone that can benefit from what has been going on in our lives the past year and a half. So I'll just get right into it...
Infertility is a beast and not one I thought I would have to go through. I prepared myself for the possibility before getting pregnant with Trey, but after getting pregnant with him really quickly I pushed the thought of infertility out of my mind. Then when Trey was about 10 months old, Trav and I started talking about when we would like to have our next one and what kind of spacing we wanted to have between our kids. We thought two years was a good number for us and felt good about it. All of December it was on my mind and I just kept waiting for the full feeling of peace to come to me in regards of when to start trying, I couldn't get it to come. I went to the temple seeking answers about why I felt restless about our timing and just didn't feel right about it, so I changed my question and asked God. "When would you like us to start trying?" and I got my answer before I was out of the temple, "Now." That was not the answer I was expecting but finally when I said okay the peace came. Next came the part about telling Trav what my answer was and hoping that he was okay with it and could calm my nerves because I was freaking out about trying now and the possibility of our kids being so close in age. When I talked to him about it his answer was "I have felt the same way." What an amazing man I married and I'm so grateful for him! So with that answer we started trying for another baby, little did we know the trial we were in for.
Little background...We were blessed with our sweet Trey B. after only two months, I went into that time thinking it would take a little while and to be patient and have faith, so I was shocked with only needing to wait two months. I was so grateful and humbled to think that maybe I wouldn't have to struggle with infertility. Fast forward to 2015...so here came January and Trey wasn't even quite a year old and I thought we were crazy for already trying for another but feeling prompted to do so, so we listened. After three months went by I thought that's fine, it takes an average of 6 months to a year so this is still okay, it's just taking longer then it did with Trey... Then seven months went by and there was still nothing, don't get me wrong there were months my period was a little later then it had been and it was an emotional roller coaster every month on that week waiting to see what would happen. On top of it all, I felt the need for some strange reason that I had to keep all my emotions inside. I couldn't let anyone know the struggle we were going through. I didn't want everyone waiting month after month with us when it already hurt us enough. A part of me thinks though, that if I had let on to what we were going through it would have helped us through it. It gets hard when people start to "jokingly" ask when you are going to have another, saying you better get on it, when inside I'm dying wishing more then anything to have another sweet little miracle on the way, but instead I force myself to laugh it off and say something like Trey is plenty right now. If people know what you are going through they don't ask dumb questions or joke about it and make you want to punch them in the face. It's not something that's easy to talk about or that just comes up in casual conversation, so for as far as letting people know, I'm not sure how to do that step. Maybe I will just start punching people in the face and then let Trav explain why their question was rude? I'll keep pondering a way to tell people...any ideas would be appreciated!
When I started into my eighth month of trying I could just tell that something was wrong with my body this time, something wasn't working like it was suppose to, but with research I decided to wait the year to go to see a doctor for tests. I started keeping track of everything every month, because the last thing I wanted was to go to the doctor in a year and then have to wait another couple months before being able to do anything so they could see what was going on. I made an excel sheet and made columns for everything I thought a doctor could possibly want to know about. I had a column for what day it was, what day in my cycle I was on, when the bleeding started and what it looked like and did during my cycle, ovulation predictor tests-which I wouldn't waste my time on again, a spot for a pregnancy test reading if I took one, etc... So by the time I went to the doctor at a year, I already had 4 months of data to go off. Up to this point the biggest blessing I had received from God was the attitude to get through what was going on. I was able to not dwell and get depressed every month (other than the start of my period). I constantly felt His love and His guidance through all of it. I knew there was a reason He had prompted us to start trying when we did and that He had a plan, I just had to have the faith that His plan could become my plan. It was hard, but I was still able to find joy and happiness every day. I was still able to see the good in life, I have the gospel, an amazing family, an incredible husband, and a sweet little boy to be grateful for every day.
I was so thankful I had kept track when the doctor looked at it and knew right off that he didn't think I had been ovulating for the past year. Everything lined up each month and yet there was no pregnancy. I said great, now where do we go from here? So that month I started keeping track in a whole new way. People tell you not to stress or worry and that it will just happen, and given, I know what a beast stress is on your body and the crazy stuff it can do, but it is so hard not to stress or worry when I have to keep track of my cycle so closely. I went in on January cycle day 21 for my first blood draw to test my progesterone, it came back way low. Yep, I wasn't ovulating. So the dr. put me on 50 mg of Clomid to start for the first month to see if the small dose would jump start my body. For the next month I stressed and worried about what was happening to my body, not to mention I felt like I was going through menopause. The heat flashes were out of control!! Then on day 21 again the next month, I went in for my blood draw, it came back low again. 100 mg was next to try. Here is month trying number 14, this month came back with good results on my progesterone but still not pregnant. We tried the 100 mg again because it got my levels higher. Month 15 I go and get tested again, I'm getting more in the hang of it by this time and can start to not try so stress so much, but only a little bit...I guess for me that is good! Although the tests came back good again, there was still no pregnancy. At this point the Dr. wants to start testing other things just to make sure and narrow down whats happening. So, for month 16 he wants Trav to get tested, which if any man has to do that, I applaud you and am grateful you are willing to do that for the woman in your life! His results came back great, so again, we look to me. I go back in on day 21 and get my blood draw-I am in now way nervous for this part anymore. I think oh! you need 5 vials of blood? Well sure! No problem, this arm tends to work better. They came back good again. For month 17 my Dr. wants me to get a test done where they inject a dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there is a blockage of some kind that is preventing the egg from getting to where it needs to be, it just so happens that I was going to be out of town for the specific days it needs to be done on so I haven't had the chance to experience that one yet...dang it?... This happens to be the month that Trav and I get to take a vacation to Disney World. It was amazing and greatly needed, we needed to just needed to get away from thinking and just be us and have fun! Plus, it's Disney, the happiest place on Earth! Well, we come back from our trip and I go in to get my blood tested. The results came back low again, the Dr.'s plan for next month is to start me on 150 mg. I shake off the disappointment and feeling of going backward by having to work out the dosage again, and go through the next 13 days waiting for the next cycle to start so we can start all over again with a new dose.
During fertility treatments if you don't start your period by cycle day 35, you are suppose to call in and get a prescription for a drug that will make you start your period and keep it on a more regular cycle. My cycle day 35 ended on a Saturday, so I decided to take my pregnancy test on the Friday so when it came back negative I could call the dr.'s office to get the prescription and be ready to take it if I didn't start the next day.
But I got an unexpected blessing from that test, IT. CAME. BACK. POSITIVE! I didn't dare hope that it was true...Trav was at work and luckily I took it during his break and was able to FaceTime him with the surprise. Tears of joy ran down my face for hours afterward followed by many, many thank you prayers. When Trav got home he had me take another test because we were both being really cautious about this. I couldn't even look at the test, I made Trav tell me what it said. It also came back positive!!!
God has His timing and His reasoning for everything. I am beyond grateful that I only had to go through this trial for 18 months, there are others who aren't so lucky and have to endure for longer and my heart aches for you. I am overcome with the blessing that I am carrying now, this sweet little baby is already so loved and longed for by the parents and older brother who kisses my belly regularly. I have learned to trust God more then I ever thought I needed. He knows us and He knows how to comfort us and guide us as how its best for us. His plan isn't always the easiest or the shortest, but it's what we need to grow and to become who He needs us to be. It lets us better understand others and what they are going through when we ourselves go through the same journey.
Little background...We were blessed with our sweet Trey B. after only two months, I went into that time thinking it would take a little while and to be patient and have faith, so I was shocked with only needing to wait two months. I was so grateful and humbled to think that maybe I wouldn't have to struggle with infertility. Fast forward to 2015...so here came January and Trey wasn't even quite a year old and I thought we were crazy for already trying for another but feeling prompted to do so, so we listened. After three months went by I thought that's fine, it takes an average of 6 months to a year so this is still okay, it's just taking longer then it did with Trey... Then seven months went by and there was still nothing, don't get me wrong there were months my period was a little later then it had been and it was an emotional roller coaster every month on that week waiting to see what would happen. On top of it all, I felt the need for some strange reason that I had to keep all my emotions inside. I couldn't let anyone know the struggle we were going through. I didn't want everyone waiting month after month with us when it already hurt us enough. A part of me thinks though, that if I had let on to what we were going through it would have helped us through it. It gets hard when people start to "jokingly" ask when you are going to have another, saying you better get on it, when inside I'm dying wishing more then anything to have another sweet little miracle on the way, but instead I force myself to laugh it off and say something like Trey is plenty right now. If people know what you are going through they don't ask dumb questions or joke about it and make you want to punch them in the face. It's not something that's easy to talk about or that just comes up in casual conversation, so for as far as letting people know, I'm not sure how to do that step. Maybe I will just start punching people in the face and then let Trav explain why their question was rude? I'll keep pondering a way to tell people...any ideas would be appreciated!
When I started into my eighth month of trying I could just tell that something was wrong with my body this time, something wasn't working like it was suppose to, but with research I decided to wait the year to go to see a doctor for tests. I started keeping track of everything every month, because the last thing I wanted was to go to the doctor in a year and then have to wait another couple months before being able to do anything so they could see what was going on. I made an excel sheet and made columns for everything I thought a doctor could possibly want to know about. I had a column for what day it was, what day in my cycle I was on, when the bleeding started and what it looked like and did during my cycle, ovulation predictor tests-which I wouldn't waste my time on again, a spot for a pregnancy test reading if I took one, etc... So by the time I went to the doctor at a year, I already had 4 months of data to go off. Up to this point the biggest blessing I had received from God was the attitude to get through what was going on. I was able to not dwell and get depressed every month (other than the start of my period). I constantly felt His love and His guidance through all of it. I knew there was a reason He had prompted us to start trying when we did and that He had a plan, I just had to have the faith that His plan could become my plan. It was hard, but I was still able to find joy and happiness every day. I was still able to see the good in life, I have the gospel, an amazing family, an incredible husband, and a sweet little boy to be grateful for every day.
I was so thankful I had kept track when the doctor looked at it and knew right off that he didn't think I had been ovulating for the past year. Everything lined up each month and yet there was no pregnancy. I said great, now where do we go from here? So that month I started keeping track in a whole new way. People tell you not to stress or worry and that it will just happen, and given, I know what a beast stress is on your body and the crazy stuff it can do, but it is so hard not to stress or worry when I have to keep track of my cycle so closely. I went in on January cycle day 21 for my first blood draw to test my progesterone, it came back way low. Yep, I wasn't ovulating. So the dr. put me on 50 mg of Clomid to start for the first month to see if the small dose would jump start my body. For the next month I stressed and worried about what was happening to my body, not to mention I felt like I was going through menopause. The heat flashes were out of control!! Then on day 21 again the next month, I went in for my blood draw, it came back low again. 100 mg was next to try. Here is month trying number 14, this month came back with good results on my progesterone but still not pregnant. We tried the 100 mg again because it got my levels higher. Month 15 I go and get tested again, I'm getting more in the hang of it by this time and can start to not try so stress so much, but only a little bit...I guess for me that is good! Although the tests came back good again, there was still no pregnancy. At this point the Dr. wants to start testing other things just to make sure and narrow down whats happening. So, for month 16 he wants Trav to get tested, which if any man has to do that, I applaud you and am grateful you are willing to do that for the woman in your life! His results came back great, so again, we look to me. I go back in on day 21 and get my blood draw-I am in now way nervous for this part anymore. I think oh! you need 5 vials of blood? Well sure! No problem, this arm tends to work better. They came back good again. For month 17 my Dr. wants me to get a test done where they inject a dye into my uterus and tubes to see if there is a blockage of some kind that is preventing the egg from getting to where it needs to be, it just so happens that I was going to be out of town for the specific days it needs to be done on so I haven't had the chance to experience that one yet...dang it?... This happens to be the month that Trav and I get to take a vacation to Disney World. It was amazing and greatly needed, we needed to just needed to get away from thinking and just be us and have fun! Plus, it's Disney, the happiest place on Earth! Well, we come back from our trip and I go in to get my blood tested. The results came back low again, the Dr.'s plan for next month is to start me on 150 mg. I shake off the disappointment and feeling of going backward by having to work out the dosage again, and go through the next 13 days waiting for the next cycle to start so we can start all over again with a new dose.
During fertility treatments if you don't start your period by cycle day 35, you are suppose to call in and get a prescription for a drug that will make you start your period and keep it on a more regular cycle. My cycle day 35 ended on a Saturday, so I decided to take my pregnancy test on the Friday so when it came back negative I could call the dr.'s office to get the prescription and be ready to take it if I didn't start the next day.
But I got an unexpected blessing from that test, IT. CAME. BACK. POSITIVE! I didn't dare hope that it was true...Trav was at work and luckily I took it during his break and was able to FaceTime him with the surprise. Tears of joy ran down my face for hours afterward followed by many, many thank you prayers. When Trav got home he had me take another test because we were both being really cautious about this. I couldn't even look at the test, I made Trav tell me what it said. It also came back positive!!!
God has His timing and His reasoning for everything. I am beyond grateful that I only had to go through this trial for 18 months, there are others who aren't so lucky and have to endure for longer and my heart aches for you. I am overcome with the blessing that I am carrying now, this sweet little baby is already so loved and longed for by the parents and older brother who kisses my belly regularly. I have learned to trust God more then I ever thought I needed. He knows us and He knows how to comfort us and guide us as how its best for us. His plan isn't always the easiest or the shortest, but it's what we need to grow and to become who He needs us to be. It lets us better understand others and what they are going through when we ourselves go through the same journey.
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